Relationships between men and women are fascinating. They are based on sex and money, psychological dependencies/peculiarities of partners, hormones and emotions, and so many other factors.
I will take one relationship between Abram and Sarah as an example.
Abram comes from a very rich Jewish family. He is a high achiever. He is married but his sexual appetite is rather high and he joins Tinder to fish for ladies who would not mind sex with a married man. He meets Sarah there. Sarah is single and financially unstable.
They meet once and have sex at Sarah’s place. Perhaps it can be the beginning of mutual fun and exchange of sex for money. But Abram is too sophisticated to do that. He is not planning to give her anything. Instead, he offers her £100 to watch him masturbate on a video call. He sees it as the most practical way to fix himself sexually and get rid of the pressure that comes with sexual frustration. Once, when Sarah feels particularly unstable financially and emotionally she agrees to watch him masturbate on a video call. After he riches orgasm he says “thank you” and puts the phone down. Sarah feels that Abram used her as an instrument. She feels disgusted and low. She never does it again despite Abram’s perpetual requests. Then Abram wants to see her for an hour or so to make it a practical sexual fix.
You might ask why Sarah continues communicating with Abram even though there are no obvious benefits for her. Well during all their communication, Abram tells her that he wants only her, how beautiful she is and many more compliments. All these compliments affect Sarah as powerful drugs. Like many girls who did not receive unconditional love in their childhood, Sarah craves compliments as approval, she feels loved when others think she is beautiful. The drug effect does not allow Sarah to see that Abram’s persistence of ten years and compliments is not a sign of his appreciation, it just demonstrates that Abram is very persistent in getting what he wants from Sarah: using her as an instrument to satisfy his sexual needs.
What about Abram, why does he use people as instruments? Surely, it is not the best way to experience sex. When a man cannot feel a woman it is just another form of masturbation, only instead of his hand he uses a female’s vagina.
I will not be surprised if Abram was used as an instrument to achieve his parent’s ambitions and his parent’s love depended on whether he was a “good boy” who performed. It is a typical problem in rich families where parents’ expectations create psychologically problematic kids.
What could improve the situation for Abram and Sarah?
Internal work. It is hard and will take years. Yet, it is worth it.
Both would heal if they could find support (that they did not receive as kids from their parents) by appreciating themselves. Feeling high or low should not depend on how others think you look or perform. Because this is a way to never feel good enough about yourself (Sarah) or feel you have done enough to feel good about yourself (Abram).
A healthy attitude is a total acceptance of themselves for who they are regardless of what others expect or think of them. Sarah would benefit greatly if she did not base her value and happiness on men's compliments and attention, and Abram if he stopped being an instrument for others and did not use people as instruments.
What tools can be used? I know a couple that helped my clients:
The realisation that you are in this unhealthy situation
Bodywork
Our emotions are trapped in our body and finding where they’re trapped and feeling it to realise that it is not so scary to feel themIf you want to work on your relationship email oriana_r@hotmail.com