189. Secrets of Successful Self-Presentation

Self-presentation is a skill that can make or break your social and professional success. In this article, I will outline some mistakes and give useful tips in this area.

Self-presentation is presenting oneself to others; others here are more important than self. Many people make a mistake by starting their self-presentation by listing their achievements, accomplishments and rewards rather than what benefits they can bring to the people they present to. For example, instead of saying “I hold a Toastmaster bronze reward”, you can say “I am a keen presenter as I have 15 years of experience in public speaking and would love to step in to present to customers and partners”. The statistics show that most people shy away from presenting, which can make you a valuable asset for a team where presentation skills are needed.

The second mistake is too much information. Avoid too many personal details that are of little interest to others such as what your mother does or what is your favourite beach. Just say things that are relevant to the situation you are in and focus on the purpose of your self-presentation.

The third area I want to talk about is speech and voice. If your speech is difficult to understand and/or your voice is unpleasant this can be a problem. The good news is you can fix it. Read about techniques to master speech and voice in my articles. Here I just want to mention the main mistakes: mumbling, speaking with a half-closed mouth, hesitating and using filler words such as “eehm, aaahm, like, basically, you know,” etc.

What can you do to make your self-[presentation successful? I recommend the SUS approach for the content:
Simple, Useful, with an element of Surprise.

Use short simple words, make it useful for others and add something unique about yourself that might surprise others. For example, if you are an elegant lady people might be surprised that you ride a high-speed motorbike.

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188. Teaching Received Pronunciation to kids

We are often approached by parents who would like their children to speak with RP. Received Pronunciation (RP), the standard accent of British English which is characterised by clear and precise articulation and other qualities.
RP is an accent taught for many decades since the BBC popularised it and many know it as BBC English. In the past, it was called Queen’s English and Oxford English. RP is the accent that boys learn very quickly in schools like Eton if they do not want to be mocked for their regional sounds. Clearly, RP is associated with the quality of one's education and a certain social and economic position. It is interesting to note that a study revealed, that the more refined the RP of a person the higher their social status and the better their economic situation. No wonder that parents would like their kids with regional or foreign accents to master RP.

Parents complain to us that their kids pick up bad habits that make their speech difficult lazy and difficult to understand. Some parents tell us that they want their kids to blend in with kids who already speak with RP which they developed in their families and private schools.

Below are a few things to consider.

1. First of all let's talk about the ideal age to start learning RP. 11 years old is the earliest age to start learning RP. If you begin too early your child might find it too technical and boring.

2. Secondly, lessons should be light-hearted and last no longer than 45 minutes. Do not bore the kids with too much theory and technical explanations. 

3. We recommend lots of rhythmic and articulation exercises. Specifically for children we have published a book and an app based on RP:
‎‎Get Rid of your Accent for Beginners (book)
Elocution Lessons (app)

The book and accompanying app contain plenty of short phrases, sentences, poems and verses. Your child would enjoy learning to speak RP with them. They will master all sounds of English and intonation. The functionality is ideal: read, listen, record and compare your speech with the model. All our apps and books contain 10% theory and 90% practice.

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186. Does correct pronunciation come with time as we learn new words and phrases?

Correct pronunciation depends on many factors:

  1. At what age do you start learning English

  2. How good is your listening/copying abilities

  3. Have you learned English from the start with correct pronunciation

If you start learning English as a child in an English-speaking country from people who speak RP then your pronunciation will be good.

If you start learning English words and phrases abroad at the age of 26 from non-RP speakers (like I did) then you will likely have a foreign accent and bad pronunciation.

I have decided to master my pronunciation and with my partner, speech coach Linda James, I have created a full line of apps for iOS and Android, paperback, audio and e-books, and video courses:

Elocution Apps for iOS
Android Apps
Elocution Books
Elocution Video Courses
New# Elocution Courses

Useful links:
How to prepare a 2-minute speech
Think and speak with power and persuasion

How to proceed with accent reduction:

  • Book a speech analysis via Skype to get a personalized assessment and recommendation.

  • For steady progress, buy an elocution course suitable to your needs

  • For the fastest progress, add in-person lessons in London or Skype lessons to your book/app/video course combination.

Accent reduction tips

  1. Identify English sounds that are difficult to pronounce for you and your nationality For example /w/ sound does not exist in French and French substitute it with /v/ sound.

  2. Learn the placement of the tongue lips and jaw for sounds you need to practice

  3. Use the mirror to control the correct place of your tongue, lips and jaw for a particular sound

  4. Listen to the model pronunciation, copy it, then record yourself and compare your speech with the model. Do three repetitions of one exercise

  5. Download the apps ‎‎Elocution Lessons, Get Rid of your Accent UK1 and ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎American Accent App and ‎Fluent American Speech (American English)

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181. Should I learn to speak with an American or British accent?

I have mastered the British accent spoken by the upper classes in Britain. It is called Received Pronunciation (RP).

Then I went to the USA, New York and researched American accents. What I have found out is that the most sophisticated General American accent is close to British RP.

I personally prefer British RP as it is regarded in the world more, but if you plan to live in the USA then I recommend that you master the General American accent. When I was in an airport restaurant in New York and asked the waiter to bring me a fork, he could not understand me as I pronounced it in the British way. In the word “fork” Americans always pronounce the /r/ sounds whilst in British RP it is not pronounced. Also in the long vowels /ɑː/ as “car” and /ɜː/ as in “Sir”, and in the three diphthongs /eə/ as in “pair”, /ɪə/ as in “ear”, and /ʊə/ as in “sure” the ruling applies.

Another point is that British English is more crisp because in RP consonants are well articulated. For example, in the American accent where the /t/ sound is between two vowel sounds as in “later” is pronounced as a fast /d/, in British RP it is a well-articulated /t/ sound.

I have developed and published apps for both British RP and General American pronunciation.

You can master which one you need with the apps ‎‎Elocution Lessons, Get Rid of your Accent UK1, ‎Business English Speech and ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎American Accent App and ‎Fluent American Speech (American English). There are also two accompanying video courses: Get Rid of your Accent Part 1 and Get rid of your Accent Part 2.

The same apps are also available on Google Play. They are based on the bestselling books in the series Get Rid of your Accent and have audio and recording buttons.

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176. Self-Motivation to raise your standards

Last Monday, on 8 January 2024 I went to my public speaking club Grosvenor Squire Toastmasters (TM). It is the oldest TM club in London. I love this club. However, I was somewhat disappointed by the quality of the speeches and speakers. The speeches were about trivia and delivered in bad English and in a boring way. Speakers talked about cycling, running, and driving. I am sorry but that was neither inspiring nor interesting. I found them rather shallow and lacking depth and meaning. I had a feeling that people did not make an effort in self-presentation and did not work enough to make their speeches more interesting. They just showed up and did them.

I vividly remember the first time I attended a meeting in this club in January 2004, twenty years ago. It was a different standard: eloquent speakers in elegant clothes, interesting speeches. I was learning a lot just by attending the meeting.

I cannot help noticing that with the introduction of smartphones, tablets, and endless types of social media and messengers, also as a result of COVID-19, people changed. The main change I see is many people suffer from informational obesity. They consume plenty of information and do little with it; that in turn makes them lazier and unmotivated to do anything. The performance standards are dropped. Many are fooled that life is happening on Instagram.

My question is: where will it all end? The lazier and the less motivated people are the poorer they will become.

Where do we go from here? How do we meet new challenges and get out of this situation smelling of roses? My answer is conscious living coupled with self-motivation.
Firstly, I want to share with you my actions about how I manage my resources and space:

  1. Become conscious of time
    I record the time I spend on messengers and social media and limit it to a maximum of one hour a day. I know people can spend the entire day in messengers.

  2. Become conscious about information consumption
    Instead of watching and reading I produce blogs and YouTube videos and prepare speeches. In other words, produce myself.

  3. Become conscious about money and your space
    Recently I bought a wonderful teapot for just £10 in a second-hand shop. I felt lucky as in Harrods it would cost £300. Instead of consuming I declutter and make more space. They say the more things you have the more time you spend managing them.

Secondly, how can we motivate ourselves to achieve prosperity and happiness and live to our full potential? Here is what I want to practice:

  1. Keeping high standards of self-presentation and self-image

  2. Being active physically outdoors

  3. Listening to music that makes me move and do something

  4. Communicating with high-energy people

  5. Write down a list of tasks for each day to achieve my weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. Develop the muscles of doing as opposed to passive consumption.

  6. Ask yourself: what is the meaning of my life? What do I contribute to this world? What is my legacy?

  7. Write a list of goals you want to achieve in the course of your life

  8. Ask yourself: what can make me a better human being?

I want to know how you motivate yourself.
Look forward to hearing from you

Yours
Olga Smith
www.batcsglobal.com

175. Are we born confident? If not, can we ever become truly confident?

We are born with a certain prevailing temperament:

There are four types of temperament:
1. Sanguine (optimistic, social, and associated with the element of air)
2. Melancholic (analytical, quiet, earth)
3. Choleric (short-tempered, irritable, fire)
4. Phlegmatic (relaxed, peaceful, water)

Some temperaments may appear to be stronger and therefore more confident.

Confidence is an action. When you were a little child you did not have the confidence to walk. After many tries and falls you have learned how to walk. Then you did not know how to lace up your shoes and your mom did for you, but then you learned how to do it.

If you want to develop confidence in a certain area just learn and practice to become confident at doing it. Confidence is not the same as perfection. You can do something confidently but not perfectly. For example, I was afraid to speak in public but after delivering 25 speeches I became confident at doing it. Now I can speak in front of a large audience.

I know people who are confident in business but lack confidence in romantic relationships. When they meet a woman they act like clueless geeks and cannot get anywhere with her. The reason for that is that they devote all their time to managing projects/people to achieve the bottom line by a deadline. Becoming confident in relationships requires different skills and practices: listening to and hearing your partner, studying what they like and do not like, and so on.

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174. How to achieve good, fluent, educated English?

Listen to good English speakers such as Boris Johnson, Stephen Fry, etc. Listen to their speeches and copy the way they speak. For example, Boris Johnson knows how he can deliver a strong message and be heard with the use of specific, powerful, and colourful adjectives and adverbs that add strength, meaning, and urgency:

"profoundly optimistic"
"insidiously programmed"
"a deep human instinct"
"astounding achievement"
"deeply and dangerously wrong"
"vital task"
"overriding anxiety"
”colossal character”

Read classics. References to classic literature will add depth to your words and meanings.

Read poetry. Reciting poetry will immensely enrich your vocabulary. I recommend that you memorise new words, phrases and metaphors in the context, then try to use them in your speech. Aesthetics, colourful language, compactness of expression, and the use of metaphor make poetry a source of interesting expressions.

Remember, how you say it is even more important than what you say. Modulate your voice, stress key messages, and use pauses this will help you to achieve good educated speech. ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎Fluent American Speech (American English), and Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause.
I also recommend the app Business English Speech. It contains 43 lessons from the book Get Rid of your Accent for Business, Part Three, ISBN 9780955330025. It works best with an accompanying video course. This app was designed for top-level professionals, diplomats and lawyers. With this app, you will practice sophisticated English expressions and RP.

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171. How effective are the accent reduction training programs?

The answer to this question depends on three factors:

  1. The teacher’s competence and work experience

  2. The student’s ability to hear the differences in sounds and the amount of time and effort he/she is putting into the accent reduction process

  3. The quality of training material: books, apps, video courses

Which teachers to choose?
Accent reduction should be taught by a qualified speech tutor (in the past speech tutors were called elocution teachers). A qualified speech tutor knows how sounds are produced in the mouth, the exact position of the tongue, lips and jaw for a particular sound. This is the key. To achieve the best results book a few elocution lessons.

What is expected of a student?
To reduce an accent one must substitute old habits of speaking with new ones which takes time and effort. It is a process. Usually, we recommend mastering a sound minimum for a week. Some sounds are easier and some may take longer to master. For example, /w/ sound does not exist in Russian. It is produced with lips going forward in a tight whistle and requires certain lip muscles. If the muscles are not trained it might take a while to train them to produce an energised /w/ sound. It’s a bit like going to the gym. If I tell you to go to the gym and come with a six-pack after one session you know that it will not happen. It is important to practice regularly, every day for 15-45 minutes rather than two hours once a week.

How to practice? Which books and apps to use?
I recommend that you download professional accent reduction apps ‎Get Rid of your Accent UK1 and ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎American Accent App and ‎Fluent American Speech (American English).
There is also an Elocution Lessons app to master essential English and a Business English Speech app that contains business vocabulary (both are for British English).
All the above apps have accompanying video courses, Get Rid of your Accent Part One and Get Rid of your Accent Part Two.

It is also a good idea to listen to good RP speakers, copy a section at a time, and record yourself.

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168. How do you deal with people who don't communicate directly ?

As Oscar Wilde once said: “The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible.  What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered.” In English-speaking, Anglo-Saxon culture people see directness as a form of aggression, and being polite is above being sincere. It is absolutely vital to pay attention to subtle details of communication. Learn and understand these subtleties if you would like to build good business and social connections.

I recommend the following instructions if you want to master the art of subtle communication:

Master your listening skills

  1. Create eye contact with a speaker and look at them with empathy and a smile. People relax when you smile at them

  2. Observe the way a person speaks. Namely intonation, tone of voice, speech speed, loudness, etc. You can learn more about it in the book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advance Level, and the apps Fluent English Speech and 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause

  3. Learn to read between the lines and pay close attention to words, voice, intonation, and facial expressions. Listen to the feelings and emotions behind words and voice, and respond to them appropriately

  4. Imagine that you are a psychotherapist who is talking to a patient and that you are paid for listening

  5. Allow a pause after what was said and connect with what was said

Work on your messages

  1. Substitute negative words with euphemisms, for example instead of saying “poor” say “not bad”, instead of saying “I disagree” say “maybe I understand it differently”, and so on

  2. Avoid giving orders, ask or request instead, for example, instead of saying “Do it!” say “Would you like to do it for me, please?”, and so on

  3. Use a friendly tone of voice and intonation even when speaking about something difficult. You can master it with the app ‎Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause

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166. Voiced and unvoiced sounds in English

It is very important to distinguish between voiced and unvoiced sounds in English due to two reasons:

  1. To be aware of the difference

  2. To be understood

All vowels and diphthongs are voiced.

Unvoiced sounds are easier to pronounce because they are made with breath only:
[s] soup, [p] pick, [t] tick, [k] kick, [tʃ] church., [ʃ] shoe, [f] fan, [θ] think.

When pronouncing voiced sounds extra effort is required because they are made with vibrations of vocal cords: [z] zoo, [b] bubble, [d] dog, [g] giggle, [dʒ] George, [ʒ] rouge, [v] van, [ð] that, [l] lock, [m] meter, [n] nun, [ŋ] king.
Because an extra effort is required, many students substitute voiced consonants with their unvoiced partners, particularly at the end of the word. Moreover, in some languages, for example, German and Russian it is not a pronunciation mistake to substitute a voiced consonant with its unvoiced partner: “dog” may sound like “dok”, or “bed” like “bet”. In English, as you can see from these examples, the meaning of the word changes if you do not observe voiced consonants.

In English, plurals and past tense are identified by word endings.
Rule: If the sound before the ending is unvoiced, then the ending will be unvoiced too. If the sound before the ending is voiced, then the ending will be voiced.:
Plurals: cats /s/, kicks /s/, dogs /z/, beds /z/
Past tense: kicked /t/, picked /t/, begged /d/, dragged /d/

It is rather difficult to pronounce consonants at the end of the word in English for some nationalities such as Spanish and Chinese. They tend not to pronounce the ending at all. This creates an impression that they do not know English grammar, namely how to create plurals and past tense. Because of that, their speech may sound uneducated.

We recommend practicing voiced and unvoiced consonants with the apps ‎Get Rid of your Accent UK1 and ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎American Accent App and ‎Fluent American Speech (American English) and book a couple of elocution lessons.

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164. Be in control and exude authority

Good barristers, politicians and business leaders sound confident, in control and have authority in their speech and voice. Can it be mastered? Yes, and I will explain how.

First of all, in order to achieve authority in your voice be in control of your breathing. Good breath control will bring energy to your voice.

Secondly, good articulation will help you sound clear, more energised and powerful. You can master it with the apps ‎Get Rid of your Accent UK1 (British English) or ‎American Accent App (American English).‎

Thirdly, avoid sounding monotonous and saying everything on one level of pitch. Change the pitch, power and pace according to the emotion/meaning of a particular message. We can recommend the app 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause if you want to learn and practice this technique.

To achieve authority, speak in a straightforward way and stress the key messages. To make the keywords stand out use a louder or quieter voice (depending on the meaning). Raise the inflection when saying keywords and vice versa, use downward inflection with unstressed words. Learn more about inflecltion and sentence stress in the apps ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or Fluent American Speech (American English).

Finally, think about physicality and be well in control of your posture and gestures. Have a good straight posture and gestures that support your messages.

What is the best way to practice it? Listen to speakers like Winston Churchill. Watch courtroom dramas and note how effective barristers speak. Here is a practical exercise for you:

  1. Read a speech out loud and record yourself.

  2. Underline stresses keywords and mark pauses in the printed copy of the speech. You can learn how to do it right with the app Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause.

  3. Read the speech again and record yourself. If necessary repeat this exercise a few times.

If you need help book a few elocution lessons.

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163. Impact of modern technology on our ability to communicate in person

I believe that since the introduction of smartphones and messengers like Whats Up, Viber, and others people prefer to text and send images rather than speak.

It has both advantages and disadvantages. The obvious advantage is speed and convenience. The disadvantages are that people lose the art of communicating in person and do not know how to enjoy it. They lose their confidence when they have to communicate in person. These people are at a disadvantage in moving forward in their careers. Successful salespeople, CEOs, MDs, and top Politicians must have amazing in-person communication skills.

To master communication in person I recommend:

  1. Learning to speak clearly

  2. Learning to communicate not only thoughts but also emotions and feelings

  3. Learning to use non-verbal messages, such as eye contact, posture and hand gestures to support your verbal messages

Many students who take our elocution lessons often tell us that they want to become confident communicators. Feeling confident is expressed by your body language, voice and words.

I recommend apps ‎Get Rid of your Accent UK1 and ‎Fluent English Speech (British English) or ‎American Accent App and ‎Fluent American Speech (American English), and Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause if you wnat to master your communication in person.

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161. Android Apps to master English speech

British English:

Elocution Lessons - Apps on Google Play
This app is ideal for children and people who just started learning English. This app has 48 lessons. It contains short, commonly used phrases, sentences and verses that are easy to repeat and it also has useful tips for teachers of English. It is actually useful for everyone as it contains essential, everyday English.

Get Rid of Your Accent - Apps on Google Play
This app is ideal if you want to get rid of a regional or foreign accent and to speak with Standard English or RP (Received Pronunciation). It has 42 lessons; it contains effective practical exercises to perfect all English sounds and perfect your articulation.

Fluent English Speech - Apps on Google Play
This app is a follow-up to the Get Rid of your Accent app.  It is ideal if you want to develop fluency in English and sound more like a native English speaker. It contains exercises for difficult and connected speech patterns, natural flow of speech, intonation, sentence stress and onomatopoeia. 

Business English Speech - Apps on Google Play
This app was designed for top-level professionals, diplomats and lawyers. It is the only app on the market that has both English pronunciation and business vocabulary training. It contains 43 lessons with material gathered from interviews with CEOs, CFOs and MDs of global companies and helps to develop proficiency in English.

Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause - Apps on Google Play
This app is ideal if you want to get rid of monotonous speech and become a successful presenter and public speaker. It contains practical exercises for voice modulation and the use of pauses.

Get Rid of Chinese Accent - Apps on Google Play
This app is the same as the app Get Rid of your Accent with an additional bonus - Chinese translations.

General American English:

American Accent App - Apps on Google Play
This app is ideal if you want to get rid of a foreign or regional accent and master Standard American accent. It has 42 lessons. It contains effective practical exercises to perfect all American English sounds.

Fluent American Speech - Apps on Google Play
This app is a follow-up to the American Accent App. It is ideal to develop fluency in your American English speech. It contains exercises for difficult and connected speech patterns, natural flow of speech, intonation and sentence stress

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154. How to prepare for a presentation?

We recommend that people who take our elocution lessons should practise their presentations in the following order:

  1. Write the structure of the presentation in key messages, introduction, body, and conclusion. For example:
    - in the introduction, you can greet your audience and say what your presentation is about;
    - in the body of the presentation you will discuss examples and statistics which support the topic and purpose of your presentation;
    - in the conclusion you will call for action.

  2. Read the presentation three times and then do an audio recording. Listen to your audio recording and make a note of your mistakes then practise again until you are satisfied with the results. It is very useful to perform articulation exercises with the app Get Rid of your Accent for a few days before your presentation.

  3. Finally, practise it in front of the mirror and make a video recording of yourself presenting

Practicing in front of the mirror is helpful for public speaking because you will be able to see how confident you look, and you will also see your posture and gestures. All three, confidence, posture, and gestures can support your presentation/speech or distract from it.

The main characteristics of bad posture are:

  1. Slouching

  2. Body tilted backward or forwards

  3. Lifted shoulders

  4. Looking down

  5. Toes pointing left and right, looking like a penguin

  6. Both toes pointing inside and heels pointing outside

  7. One shoulder is higher than the other

  8. Hunched back

  9. Humping on one leg

I recommend that you stay straight and create zigzag eye contact with your audience. Do not walk from one side of the room to another as it can be destructive. Just use zigzag eye contact with your audience. Download the app 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause to practise posture preparation, use of pause and voice modulation. These useful skills will make all your presentations much better.

Let's take a look at the gestures that are weakening your presence and your speech delivery.

1. Lack of gestures resulting from the stiffness of the body. Sometimes a person feels so nervous that they grab their speech in their hands and hold it during their entire presentation. This creates a closed body posture and shows a lack of confidence.

2. Scratching your head, nose or any part of the body can look a bit distracting and even inappropriate.

3. Trying to adjust your clothes, and moving a ring on your finger are also gestures that indicate that the person feels somewhat nervous.

4. Touching and trying to improve your hair shows that you are not sure of your looks and feel you are not confident enough.

5. Too many gestures and repetitive gestures show you are trying too hard to compensate for a lack of confidence.

I recommend using descriptive gestures. Think about how your gestures can help your audience absorb the information easily. Using visual aids is also very powerful and brings an element of play into your presentation.
Just 15 minutes before presenting, perform body relaxation exercises so that anxiety does not interfere with the smooth delivery of your presentation.

You can find out more tips for speech mastery and public speaking on www.batcsglobal.com

153. Active listening checklist

Empathetic listening or active involves listening not only to the content but also to how it is said. Nonverbal messages that a speaker is using can give you clues. The foundation of empathetic listening is a sincere interest in a person speaking.

The checklist of what not to do during active listening:

  1. Do not interrupt other’s speech

  2. Do not anticipate what will be said

  3. Do not finish a speaker's sentences

  4. Do not judge, observe what is being said and how it is being said

I recommend the following instructions if you want to master empathetic listening:

  1. Create eye contact with a speaker and look at them with empathy and a smile. People relax when you smile at them

  2. Observe the way a person speaks. Namely intonation, tone of voice, speech speed, loudness, etc. You can learn more about it in the book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advance Level, and the apps Fluent English Speech and 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause

  3. Listen to the feelings and emotions behind words and voice, and respond to them appropriately

  4. Imagine that you are a psychotherapist who is talking to a patient and that you are paid for listening

  5. Allow a pause after what was said and connect with what was said

  6. Motivate yourself for active listening by knowing that a person who is listening is in a more powerful position than the one who speaks

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152. Learn to communicate your emotions and feelings

I have noticed that many of us were not educated to communicate emotions and feelings. Instead, we were taught "how to think right." In kindergarten, school, university and then at work, even in the family, we learned how to think and speak appropriately.

The thing is we are not robots; we are humans with feelings and emotions. In Western civilization, we learned how to neglect our feelings and just say "the right thing." We learned that expressing vulnerability is a weakness and that being tough is a real strength. Is it? I am not so sure about it.

We often communicate the feeling of frustration with anger and aggression. In England, where I live, it is very fashionable to express feelings in a passive-aggressive way. In other words, acting nicely but with hidden aggression. Is there a need to be aggressive or passive-aggressive? Is there a better way? How can we do it differently?

Where does the aggression come from? In my opinion, the basis of aggression is judgment. What often happens is we see that someone breaks "a rule" that we expected he/she should observe, and we are quick to judge and then may even attack that person. We evaluate, judge and attack.

What if we stop evaluating and simply observe? Instead of judging, we start observing other people's speech and observing our own reaction to it and what feelings and emotions we have at that moment. This process takes time. If we do this exercise on a regular basis it will become automatic. It will substitute our reactive/aggressive responses to communicating our observations in a calm, measured way. When communicating, it is much better if we look at the person with compassion rather than with judgment.

Observation is neutral, whilst judgment is negative. When we feel negative, our body reacts in a certain way: we get tense, become stiff, and shorten breathing. By pausing, relaxing your body and breathing correctly you will help yourself to communicate your emotions as observations.

Many students who take our elocution lessons often tell us that they want to become more confident. Feeling confident is expressed by your body language, voice and words. The key to confidence is calmness, feeling relaxed and at the same time in control of your emotions.

You can find useful breathing exercises and how you can use your intonation and voice to express different feelings and emotions in the book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advanced Level and the apps Fluent English Speech and 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause.

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150. Annoying speech patterns

  1. Going round in circles
    It is so annoying when a person says something and then repeats it again and again. It is rather tiring when someone cannot stop expressing one idea and keeps repeating it endlessly. Such speech makes the speaker sound rather stupid.

  2. Beating about the bush
    I know people who can speak for a long time and not really say much. Such speech lacks concreteness and sounds lightweight. My friend calls such speakers “cappuccino people”. Such speech makes the speaker sound rather shallow.

  3. Monotonous speech
    Monotonous speech is so boring. As a result, listeners switch off very quickly. It also makes a speaker sound rather dull. The monotonous speech also lacks emotion and the speaker may sound like a robot. Actors learn how to modulate their voice in drama schools. You can master voice modulation with our book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advance Level which is based on drama school training.

  4. Rushed speech
    The human brain absorbs information slower than someone transforms it which is why rushed speech is difficult to follow. During our elocution lessons, we teach our students how to slow down the pace of the speech and use pauses in order to make their speech easy and interesting to listen to.

  5. Paracite-words such as “eeeh”, “em”, “like”, “basically”, “you know”, “so”, etc.
    People often use parasite words to connect sentences and speak in paragraphs. When the speaker does not make pauses between sentences and speaks in paragraphs listeners cannot concentrate after the first idea and switch off. The full stop was invented to separate sentences and ideas. The pause between them allows listeners to absorb one idea at a time and get ready for the next one. You can practise this with our book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advance Level.

  6. Wooly speech that lacks clarity
    Such speech creates a considerable disadvantage for both the speaker and the listener. The speaker is perceived as uneducated and lacking confidence and the listener is frustrated as he/she cannot understand what is said. To overcome wooly speech start articulation exercises with our bestselling book Get Rid of your Accent Part One .

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149. Non-verbal communication

Nonverbal messages are far more powerful than verbal and paying attention to details is the key when creating one’s image/brand as well as understanding other people.

Eye contact and facial expressions are very powerful tools for non-verbal communication. You can express happiness, sadness, confidence, fear, surprise, and a full range of emotions with your eyes, lips, and mouth.

Your posture and the way your walk speaks louder than words. People with good posture look powerful, graceful and confident. Bad posture is associated with old age and a low spirit.
In our book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two we talk about posture preparation as part of working on your voice power.

Gestures are an important part of non-verbal communication. Lack of gestures may be seen as stiffness of the body and show a lack of confidence. Scratching your head or any part of the body can look a bit simple and demonstrate a lack of upbringing. Touching and trying to improve your hair may show that you are not sure of your looks and feel you are not enough. Too many gestures and repetitive gestures may imply that you are trying too hard to compensate for a lack of confidence.

People can learn to use gestures to their advantage. Empathic gestures such as nodding your head show that you hear another person and understand them. This also can be added with the appropriate tone of voice and intonation. You can master it with the book Get Rid of your Accent Part Two, Advance Level.

Finally, clothes, shoes, hair, nails, jewelry and makeup are also part of non-verbal communication. When clothes look clean, expensive and tastefully put together they communicate wealth, culture and status, whilst dirty, smelly clothes with holes reveal the opposite picture.

It is vital that verbal messages and properly supported and enhanced by nonverbal clues to create a credible presence and powerful messages.

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147. What should I do to improve my listening skills fast?

I recommend the following daily practices:

  1. Make an effort to not interrupt a person speaking. Often, when we talk to others, we do not have the patience to listen. We hear a few words and very quickly we start anticipating what the other person will say. We even try to finish their sentences which is not very helpful, particularly for the person who is talking

  2. Pay attention to people and understand who you are speaking to. Try to answer the following questions. What do they want? What is bothering them?

  3. Pay attention to people’s intonation and voice. Is it sad or happy? Does the person sound confident or hesitant?

  4. Avoid commenting, judging or advising regarding what you listening about.

  5. Listen and engage your mind and heart

  6. Reduce your speaking time.

    I noticed that if one has a tendency to talk a lot it takes quite an effort to control this urge. It will take time, effort and mastery to possess the art of keeping silent and saying less than necessary.

I practice simple techniques to overcome my urge to talk a lot:

  1. When planning a day I make a written note that programs me to reduce my speaking time by 80%

  2. I make an effort to engage in active listening

  3. I wear a bracelet that reminds me that I should control my urge to speak a lot

  4. Instead of speaking, I use eye contact and other body language signs to interact with others, I let others speak more

  5. I speak only when it is absolutely necessary and I try to keep silent otherwise.

  6. Before saying anything I ask myself: is it necessary? how it can be interpreted? what are the dangers and consequences of my words?

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